|Charlie McCarthy||Baby Snooks|
|Sound Effects Tips|
ANNOUNCER: The Packard-Bell PhonOcord Players present "Hollywood Premiere"!
MUSIC: UP AND FADE FOR
SOUND: MUMBLE OF VOICES -- APPLAUSE - CAR HORNS FADE FOR
ANNOUNCER: (FAST, AND WITH GUSTO) Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, in the lobby of beautiful Grauman's Chinese Theatre in the heart of Hollywood, mecca of the stars! It's a perfect, moonlight night -- typical California weather -- and throngs of excited fans have lined the sidewalks! They're waiting for a glimpse of their favorite movie stars as they arrive for the premiere of MGM's super-colossal extravaganza -- the MAGNIFICENT masterpiece, "Love on a Lark." Fascinating Katherine Hepburn is the star . . .
SOUND: POLICE WHISTLE SIREN - BEGINNING SOFT AND GROWING LOUDER. CAR BRAKES SQUEAL CAR DOOR SLAMS.
ANNOUNCER: And here's the star of the picture now! Lovely Katherine Hepburn! Will you say a few words, Miss Hepburn?
HEPBURN: Hallo, ma friends! It's thrilling to be heah this lovely, lovely evening . . . RILLY it is! I hope you simply adore my new picture, TRULY, I do.
ANNOUNCER: Miss Hepburn, during the filming of "Love on a Lark" the columnists have been saying that you and your leading man are - shall we say, going together? Would you care to comment on that?
HEPBURN: I certainly would. It's just publicity and there isn't a bit of truth in it, rilly there isn't. I am wedded to my career -- my career is my life, rilly it is! I simply cahn't consider letting down my deah public, rilly I cahn't! And thank you agane and agane for giving me this wonderful opportunity to express ma true feelings!
SOUND: WILD APPLAUSE.
ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Miss Hepburn! For the ladies listening in, I might add that Miss Hepburn is STUNNING tonight in white chiffon slacks and a mink coat.
SOUND: CAR BRAKES SQUEAL. LOUD CRASH.
BENNY: (OFF MIKE) ROCHESTER! If I told you ONCE, I told you a THOUSAND times not to drive with those dark glasses.
ROCHESTER: (OFF MIKE) Okay, boss! But you said you wanted me to look like a Hollywood actor, and my hair ain't long enough.
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Rochester and Jack Benny!
BENNY: Hello, folks! That announcer could have given me top billing - and he could have mentioned that I'm a famous star of stage, radio and the screen . . . and also a concert violinist.
ROCHESTER: Shall I put on my white coat now, boss?
BENNY: Quiet, Rochester! As I was saying, folks, my latest picture. . .
ROCHESTER: We ought to get tem on the way in, boss.
BENNY: (Quiet, Rochester! Now where was I? Oh, yes - my latest picture. . . .
ROCHESTER: They're gonna get cold, boss.
ANNOUNCER: What's troubling you, Rochester?
ROCHESTER: Well, we've got the hot dog concession for the premiere tonight, and if we're gonna make any money, we oughta get started.
BENNY: ROCHESTER! Now you've spoiled everything! What will Lana Turner say when she hears I'm just a hot dog peddler?
ROCHESTER: She won't say anything different, boss. She'll just say, "Sorry, I'm busy" when you call her for a date.
BENNY: (OFF MIKE) Get your hot dogs here, folks. It's a long picture, and you're gonna get hungry.
ANNOUNCER: That was Jack Benny and Rochester, folks. And now . . . wait a minute, wait a minute . . . here come Charlie McCarthy and Baby Snooks and they're fighting!
McCARTHY: I'll mow ya down, Snooks, I'll mow ya down, s'hep me!
SNOOKS: I didn't do nuffin! I didn't do nuffin'!
McCARTHY: Didn't do nuthin! I take you in the Brown Derby for a coke, and you go and order a chocolate soda! Do you think I'm a millionaire?
SNOOKS: My daddy told me that when I'm out on a date I should order whatever I want, just like a grown-up lady.
McCARTHY: Your daddy doesn't know Bergen! That allowance he pays me won't even buy an extra stick of gum.
SNOOKS: I want a stick of gum!
McCARTHY: You can't have any, Snooks. I'm broke.
SNOOKS: I want a stick of gum!
McCARTHY: I'll mow ya down, Snooks, if You don't shut up - s'hep me, I'll mow ya down!
SNOOKS: BAW! BAW! I WANT A STICK OF GUM!
SOUND: LOUD SCUFFLING TEARING OF CLOTH SCREAMS.
ANNOUNCER: I'd better move this mike before it gets knocked over in the scuffle. Oh well, kids will be kids. Now that the excitement is over, let's hear from some more of the stars.
VAGUE: You mean me? I'll be happy to say a few words.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, good evening. I'm afraid I haven't had the -- er -- pleasure, Miss . . .
VAGUE: Vague, Miss Vera Vague -- idol of millions!
ANNOUNCER: The Hollywood wolves must be getting really hungry!
VAGUE: (LAUGHS) You deah, deah boy! Why, to hear you talk one would think that I have difficulty finding gentlemen friends.
ANNOUNCER: Perish the thought, Miss Vague! I can see those men waiting for you -- are they some of your admirers?
VAGUE: Yes, and aren't they charming? I just couldn't decide which one to go with tonight so I told them all to come along.
ANNOUNCER: A noble thought, Miss Vague, but shouldn't they have trimmed their long white beards so they wouldn't trip over them?
VAGUE: (LAUGHS) Silly boy, silly boy! I'll have you know I prefer men of that type -- so distinguished, so intelligent, so well groomed, so. . . .
VAGUE: You deah boy, that's it exactly. After all, a girl in my position can't be too careful.
ANNOUNCER: I don't think you'll have to hire any bodyguards, Miss Vague. Incidentally, folks, Miss Vague is looking -- er -- very nice tonight in a smartly tailored burlap gown and hat to match.
SOUND: PATTER OF RAIN. HOLD IN B.G.
ANNOUNCER: She is carrying an old saddle bag, and has her boy friends hitched up to the reins she is holding. Hmmm! What's this note someone handed me?
VAGUE: Why, you cheap imitation of an Orson Wells, I'll have you know.
ANNOUNCER: Just a moment, Miss Vague, I have an important announcement to make.
VAGUE: Not half so important as what I have to say. Now listen, you . . .
ANNOUNCER: Miss Vague, please. This is really important.
VAGUE: All right, what is it?
ANNOUNCER: (CLEARS THROAT AND LOWERS VOICE) Through the courtesy of the Chamber of Commerce, I wish to make the following authorized statement. It is RAINING!
SOUND: THUNDER. DOWNPOUR.
MUSIC: UP TO CONCLUSION.